i’m starting to find out that i am depressed. the happy side of me always keeps me from being a debbie downer. but the depressed side of me refuses to repress these feelings of failure and incompetence. i wish i could be smarter or be more motivated and make money for my parents to retire. but i’m just not good at all. it has made me think a lot, such as what i could have done to not have this happen to me. i definitely should not have picked this major. but it is too late, i have to do what i can with it. it really has made me overthink things and now, i just have suicidal images (but i would never commit suicide). it’s just annoying that i lay there thinking, i don’t want to do this anymore or this would be an easy way out. meh, all in all, i just need someone to hit me.. i hate that i think about giving up when i haven’t even tried.

who knows, maybe something good will happen. til then, i will just take this class and can’t wait to go home.

1) be completely honest

2) blah

3) don’t matter if ppl i know finds this :]

4) ????

5) well not profit on this site..

6) post a picture every post

7) jk.. there won’t be any lulz, just emo shit

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this blog is for jun 24th 2009

today i actually woke up for class, i mean i pay for this shit, why not amirite? oh before that it’s really hard to sleep at night because i’m always afraid someone will bust through my door and rape me. it’s hard enough i’m living alone right now but i’m in this stupid town. wish i just went to UNLV this semester. i mean, i said to myself, college was the most fun i’ve ever had but tbh, i’m kind of sad. it use to be fun when i didn’t have so many responsibilities and shit. it’s bad enough i’m going to graduate with a dumb nutrition degree but i have no future prospects. my GPA is in ruins and i may just being hard on myself but i can’t help to feel like a failure to my parents. if it weren’t for them, i wouldn’t feel so guilty.

other than school, friends have not been alright. i still hang out with the girls but in general, my relationship with t#@# as a fallout has been disheartening to me. i really considered him a good friend but knowing me, i cannot, absolutely cannot deal with childish antics, especially from someone who i considered a friend. well karma just bites me in the ass and i know how it feels now but i guess i really deserve it. the fact that a><? has been talking to me normally again has been somewhat of a boost, only after a semester of sarcasm, cynicism, and indirect hate, does he just act normal again. wtf is up with that. i also feel sad that i don’t really hang out with the younger kids anymore but after reno, it’s obvious they weren’t going to be lifetime friends so why bother.

i hung out with S#@# today, i wonder why he’s so down. it was fun at borders talking to him, like a little brother that i can pick on! M#@# imed me again, for some reason, he’s starting to creep me out. i don’t know why, he’s so nice, but i don’t know, he just seems pushy. and i ignored danny, i feel bad but i don’t know what’s wrong with me right now.

it’s really hard when i don’t have a job, have no motivation to study, and do not have a relationship. although i’m fine without one, it would be nice to have someone to talk to and be intimate with time to time. i’m not regretting decisions i have made in the past, but it’s getting to the point where it’s hard when all i look for is the perfect relationship. i should really lower my standards but honestly.. i feel like i shouldn’t even though life is short. well at least i can live it up more. :] just go clubbing, talk to more guys. it’s not like i’m bad looking, and i think my personality is decent, maybe i should stop being such an asshole. is it really bad that i want to marry someone who can take care of me financially

i ate this today..